


As the Queen Demands

by darleen8 (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: A little NSFW at the end there, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bar, Comedian John, Director Dave, Hollywood, M/M, NSFW, Oneshot, Red Romance, Romance, surprisingly no Karkat Cameo?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-09-21 07:46:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9538412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/darleen8
Summary: Getting to the top doesn't mean that you have to be lonely, and John's willing to prove it. When John's out with Jade and Rose, and Hollywood's least favorite, infamous, abrasive, rich alcoholic director walks into a bar one night, John's warned to steer clear of Dave Strider. He's here to drink, hates everyone, and has no living or known family. He's notoriously hard to work with, rude in person, hard to talk to, and an all around asshole with no friends. John, America's most beloved comedian of the time takes is always up for a challenge, and decides not to leave until he's befriended Dave Strider. The result? Awkward pauses, clear rejection, and an evening that shakes John's perception of friendship and romance forever. Contains NSFW content at the end, but there's a satisfying story before it too. JohnDave fluff/ eventual smut. Enjoy.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, thanks for reading. I'd say that it's pretty clear when things start getting more intimate, but watch out for it if you don't want to see that. Enjoy!

JDW 2016 Bonus Day 1  
  
  
  
One evening, in downtown Los Angeles near Hollywood, a man and two of his close friends walked into a bar. The three weren’t your average young adults, by far. Despite the fact that all three were younger than thirty, they were all self made billionaires. One called herself Rose Lalonde, a renowned author and therapist, and another, Jade Harley, was the current leader in the world’s scientific community. Likewise, John Egbert was a young comedian that scaled his way to the peak of his profession through hard work and honest, sincere, and for the most part, inoffensive jokes. The three had almost nothing in common, save for the large sums of money they respectively earned and the understanding of how hard it was to keep it. However, Even with their vastly different personalities, they’d all been close friends for years. John, the most recent addition to the friend group fit in with the two women perfectly, and he was more than happy to see his two friends today. With their busy schedules, the three rarely indulged in the novelty of meeting up with each other in person, so tonight was a treat, for all of them. At least, John saw it that way.  
  
  
  
Even among some of the richest people in America, John managed to be different, in a good way. For one thing, John found a field he was naturally talented in, comedy, and brought previously unknown changes to the industry. Unlike other comedians, John’s comedy contained a sense of innocence and goodness, and he was like a breath of fresh air for the industry. Viewers, producers, and comedy lovers around the world all knew what usually happened to successful comedians- they’d be good for a while, then slowly lose their core values for audience’s laughter. John never lost sight of his morals or values, which was probably why everyone loved him. The fact that John kept all his genuine values, along with being hilarious, made him both a “modern genius”, according to one publisher, and beloved by the public.  
  
  
  
As for Rose and Jade’s feelings toward John, both women liked his jokes, as was expected, and they liked that he was a friend they could count on even more. The two women had been friends since their childhoods, and John joined their little trio of success just after they became adults. John was always easy to talk to, and always kind, so having their unfortunately rare little get togethers like this one were fun for the three friends. John had already started the obligatory funny stories for the evening, and the two women’s responses came exactly as he expected them. Rose sipped water and offered her infamous half smiles, Jade laughed heartily at John’s jokes, and John found himself laughing as well. Really, the three were having a fantastic night together, and they swapped stories and laughter for more than an hour, never feeling awkward silences or uncomfortable pauses. After an hour or so though the conversation shifted. None of them were sure who started it, but the conversation’s topic changed. Somehow, the three’s romance lives came up, and it was as if they were high school teenagers again, with the way they spoke.  
  
  
  
“Rose, you and your girlfriend have been together forever, and I just don’t get how! What makes you two so effortless?” Jade questioned, her voice exasperated, and Rose offered one of her smirks. They’d had this conversation before.  
  
  
  
“I would hardly describe our relationship as effortless. It takes time and work, just like everyone else has told you.” Rose responded, the lifted corner of her mouth twitching. Her friend could be a little ridiculous when it came to her dating life, and Rose knew that her response wasn’t quite what she was looking for. As if on cue, Jade groaned, and Rose flashed a look at John when Jade started speaking.  
  
  
  
“I tried that, but everyone I end up with is a jerk or too nice or just not… you know?” She asked, and John shrugged. He’d missed Rose’s glance, but didn’t see what the big deal was.  
  
  
  
“I don’t know, Jade. It seems like pretty good advice to me.” He spoke nonchalantly, and Jade rolled her eyes.  
  
  
  
“Oh please, Mr. innocent cinnamon roll, you’re single too.” John looked down at his drink, and decided he was done after a sip. He was driving himself home after this. Still, alcohol didn’t mean that John would avoid a good time this weekend, so he looked at Jade playfully.  
  
  
  
“I am not a cinnamon roll.” John said, and Jade swatted him, then sat back in her seat.  
  
  
  
“Oh please, everyone loves you because you’re too nice. You’re like, the golden child of America. How do you not have a girlfriend, or a boyfriend for that matter? I’m pretty sure that you get love confessions from your fans every day.” John gave her a pointed look.  
  
“Jade, come on. You already know that I’m not homosexual, guys are off the table. And anyway, I don’t really care about dating. I’m sure I’ll meet someone nice when the time comes, and you will too!” Jade pouted.  
  
“I wish the time would come now.” She half sulked, and Rose raised an eyebrow.  
  
“You could try a celebrity dating site.” She said, and Jade violently shook her head.  
  
“And deal with those snobs? No, I want an actual guy, not a picture on a magazine.” John spoke up.  
  
“You could go on a normal dating site?”  
  
“Yeah, and get married for my money, woo hoo. Just watch that personality flip the second a ring is on my finger.” Jade said, ending with a depressed frown. She sighed. “Maybe I should just date the next guy that comes through that door.” She said, and Rose snorted.  
  
“Good luck with that.” Within ten seconds, they heard the bar’s door open, and all three looked up. A tall blonde man strode in, and immediately, both Rose and Jade cringed.  
  
“Never mind, that was a horrible idea.” Jade said, and Rose nodded in agreement. John looked confused. The man was tall, and had a set jaw. He apparently wore sunglasses at night, but besides that, he wore a nice suit, and seemed to keep a reasonably attractive figure.  
  
“What’s wrong with him? He seems attractive, and he’s tall. Do girls not like that anymore?” John asked, his voice uncertain, and Rose raised an eyebrow.  
  
“Do you know who he is?” Rose asked, and John shook his head. “That’s David Strider, producer, director, head scriptwriter, and sometimes main actor of the SBaHJ franchise.” She added, and waited for something to click in John’s mind. It did, but instead of a negative reaction, John’s eyes lit up in recognition instead.  
  
“Oh, that’s his name? So he’s the one that makes that, no wonder he’s famous! They always seem a little like Dr. Seuss, with all the whimsical stuff and wearing onsie pajamas. Still, I thought the movies were pretty good. You could always count on a lot of action.” His voice was enthusiastic, and Jade shared a glance with Rose.  
  
“Okay, but have you heard what he’s done, or didn’t do?” Green eyes narrowed in suspicion. John shook his head.  
  
“I’ve never even seen his face.” John said, and Jade jumped at the opportunity for a juicy bit of gossip.  
  
“No kidding. He’s only accepted one interview ever, and he made it really, really hard for the reporter. I He was being an asshole, and I feel bad for the lady that was stuck interviewing him.” John shrugged.  
  
“She was probably asking some personal questions. I’ve had to redirect a conversation or two on TV, it happens. And he’s probably not into public appearances. If he wants his work to speak for itself, without any excessive media coverage, I can respect that.” Jade looked deterred, but Rose spoke up.  
  
“Jonathan, he doesn’t give any of his proceeds to charity either, yet he’s a billionaire.” John crossed his arms.  
  
“It’s his choice to do what he wants with his money. Just because something is expected doesn’t mean he has to do it. Maybe that’s the point-It’s a choice. Both of you two are just going off what you’ve heard, or what a news station chooses to show you. The media isn’t always nice, and a creative guy like him is a perfect target. You two both know you can’t trust everything you hear.” He said, reasonably, and the corner of Jade’s mouth rose.  
  
“Geez, you’re getting defensive, it’s just a little celebrity gossip, and it’s about a guy who’s not very nice anyway.” She said, and John frowned.  
  
“You guys don’t even know that- I’m sure he’s a nice guy, you just have to get to know him.” John said, and Rose frowned.  
  
“John, even if he really is a nice man, he has no known family or friends. Who would even have the opportunity to get to know his ‘good side’?” She asked, and something sparked in John’s eyes.  
  
“I would, if I talked to him. You probably would too, Rose.” John said, and he played with the idea in his mind. “Hey, if he doesn’t have any friends, we should help him make some! He’s probably single, Jade.” John stated, trying to entice them. “And I’m sure he’d be a really fun guy to psycho-analyze, after making a movie series like SBaHJ.” He added, but neither of his friends looked convinced. They were silent for a while after John’s request, until finally, Jade spoke up.  
  
“I don’t think he’s the type I’m looking for, John.” She said, and Rose sighed.  
  
“I doubt that I would enjoy myself, even in a case as strange as this one. Don’t let us stop you though. If you really believe that he’s just someone that could open up to you, by all means, introduce yourself. But we’ll be waiting here in case things don’t go as well as you hope.” Rose said, and John sighed. He honestly wanted to talk to him, but he came here to see two of his closest friends, not to befriend a stranger. He really didn’t think they were right- John thought he could get to know the man, or even hang out with him. He was sure that the elusive stranger could benefit from it- but oh well. He came here for his friends tonight, and he was going to stay with them.  
  
“No, That’s okay Rose. I’m not ditching you guys just to prove you wrong, I just don’t get why you’re so quick to judge him.” Rose smirked, and Jade spoke what the blonde must have been thinking.  
  
“Oh, just experience, John. We’ve both dealt with an asshole or two.” Jade said, and John’s lip curled into a smile. He was ready to get back into normal conversation, and continue enjoying the evening.  
  
“Really? I have too. But okay, what made the last asshole you met such a jerk?” Jade scooted up in her seat, and John sat back as he prepared to hear a funny story. As Jade, and eventually Rose launched into giggly reveries, John found himself a little distracted. The blonde guy his friends hated didn’t look like a bad person, so far. He noticed him offer the bartender money, and he was either a heavy drinker or a healthy tipper. Either way, the tender definitely didn’t mind having the money in his hand.  
  
“John!” Rose said, and John’s head snapped up.  
  
“What?” He asked, and Jade let out an exasperated sigh.  
  
“John, I was telling a funny story, come on!” John looked up at her, sheepishly and apologetic.  
  
“You seem a little distracted tonight.” Rose offered, allowing him the chance to talk. John risked a glance back at Dave, but shook his head.  
  
“No, it’s nothing. Jade, what were you saying, about the nucleus?” He asked uncertainly, and she grinned.  
  
“Oh, it was the best punch line. A guy was pushing me out of the way of the hyper-chambric electrode reactor, and after the fifth time, I just snapped at him.” He noticed Rose roll her eyes. “He pushed me again, and I was like, share man, it’s nucleUS, not nuclei!” Jade said again. John shared a look with Rose, then laughed politely, but not before Rose spoke out.  
  
“Jade, I think you should leave the jokes to John.” Jade made an offended noise, and both women waited for John to say something to deny or accept this phrase, but his eyes were back on the blonde director. He wondered what this ‘Dave Strider’ would have to said tonight. His friends brought him back to their conversation, and after a little teasing, John’s focus returned to his friends. Of course, it didn’t last long. The guy behind him was drinking. Alone. He really didn’t have any friends. It made John unhappy, especially since he was sure he could help. He wanted to get to know Dave. From there, it was a cycle- Rose and Jade would pull him back, John would stare, and Rose and Jade would pull him back. Eventually, after the sixth time they caught John looking away, Rose sighed. Jade took it as her cue to speak.  
  
“Is he really that interesting?” She asked, and John’s eyebrows knitted in confusion. He turned to Rose, clearly requesting an explicit translation of Jade’s words. The therapist glanced at the blonde man that sat at the bar.  
  
“John, you’ve been staring all night.” She said it like a mother would talk to a young child, and John shook his head in confusion.  
  
“Staring? At what?” The comedian questioned, and Jade rolled her eyes. John was too oblivious, sometimes.  
  
“You’ve been watching that guy all night. Honestly, if you’re that curious about Dave Strider, just go say hi! He really is a jerk though.” Jade said with a frown of disapproval. John wanted to argue that he hadn’t been staring, but he realized she was right. They’d tried to pull him back into their conversation a multitude of times, and John only realized that his thoughts had been drifting all night now. The comedian knew that the cycle would continue until he satisfied his curiosity. He didn’t want to leave his friends, but at the same time, John knew that he needed to know. He felt himself stand up.  
  
“Come with me.” John offered, but the two were adamant on staying away from the director. John felt himself sigh, and Jade looked up at him.  
  
“Sorry, John. I don’t think it will work out, but don’t let us stop you. Will you be back?” She asked, and John sighed. He felt bad, but at the same time, he was a little upset that his two friends wouldn’t try to befriend the elusive director with him, all based on some bad press.  
  
“If he’s really a bad guy, I’ll be back here, but I think you two should give him a chance.” John said, but Jade and Rose still didn’t seem convinced. “See you guys.” John said, and Rose nodded, while Jade waved him off. John waved too, then turned around to go talk to this so called asshole. As he neared the blonde director, he told himself not to worry. This wasn’t any different than making a new friend in elementary school. Now, he just had a ton of millionaires and billionaires with the prospect of watching him fail, instead of fellow students. He swallowed, and sat up next to him.  
  
The bartender looked at John first, before he had a chance to talk to this quote unquote asshole. After asking what he wanted, John remembered his plans to drive himself home.  
  
“Oh, can I have normal water please?” He asked, and the man nodded. He quickly went to get the drink, and John produced a ten-dollar bill as a tip, despite the fact that water was free. “Thanks a lot!” He said as the man handed him his drink, and he nodded with a small smile on his face before going off to the next customer. John hesitantly sipped his drink before looking at the blonde next to him. Well, he may as well start the friendship process now.  
  
“Hi!” John started, and the man didn’t even look up.  
  
“Hi.” He said, curtly, and was silent. He still wasn’t looking at him, he was ignoring John completely. John, totally undiscouraged (but a little phased) by his actions, continued.  
  
“You’re Dave Strider, right? The guy who made SBaHJ?” He asked, and John saw Dave frown, but otherwise, ignore the comedian.  
  
“Yes.” He responded, and again, didn’t look up. Alright. So he was hoping John would take a hint and go away, but John refused. He wouldn’t let outright rejection stop him.  
  
“I really like them. I don’t think I’ve seen you at this bar before though, do you come here often?” John asked, and Dave still didn’t make any move to acknowledge him.  
  
“No.” John’s eyes moved to what he was looking at, his lap. The director seemed to be checking his phone, a clear sign that he was being ignore,and John knew this conversation was already going off to a bad start. So, John quietly waited for him to finish what he was doing, before he noticed him make an annoyed sound. “Damn.” He said under his breath, and despite the fact that he still hadn’t looked at John once, John took it as an opportunity to converse.  
  
“Oh, work got you down?” John asked, and the man slowly turned to him. The director smirked. Dave sent out a clear message for John to leave him alone, and this guy ignored it. He’d have fun getting John away from him tonight.  
  
“Sure, if work is the most mind numbing test of concentration and skill that’s ever been known to the human race. If work is a symphony of avoiding obstacles, and soaring above things that spell defeat or artfully evading the things that threaten your entire existence with seemingly no other origin point than the sky, then yes, work has me down.” The man said, and John’s eyes flickered down to the now visible phone screen quickly, hopefully without the man noticing.  
  
“I see. You’re playing flappy bird. It’s not that bad.” He said, and the blonde looked impressed.  
  
“How the fuck did you get flappy bird from what I just said?” John offered him a little grin. That was more than one word!  
  
“Trickster’s secret.” He said, and the man gave him a look. “Kidding, you left it up on your phone. You were impressed for a second though, right?” Dave, the antisocial, eccentric billionaire (and possibly closet genius?) frowned, but still looked at him. John considered it progress.  
  
“Not really, anyone can get to the core of what I’m saying if they get through all the fluff.” John grinned.  
  
“Actually, I’m a more matter, less art kind of person myself, but that’s cool for you creatives.” John referenced Hamlet on purpose- all of the famous film makers and theater people seemed to have a general knowledge of Shakespeare, and John hoped he was improving his approval with the words. “Do you want help?” John asked, and the blonde let an eyebrow arch perfectly over his sunglasses.  
  
“And what would I need help with? Are you here for the drinking problem, or the anti social, eccentric conundrum I’ve made myself out to be in the eyes of the public?” Dave asked, and John laughed a little, never mind that Dave didn’t join his little giggle session. The blonde was probably used to celebrities and therapists alike trying to talk to him, and John wasn’t one of those people.  
  
“Gee, that was blunt.”  
  
“Hey, as the queen demands.” He said, going back to John’s Shakespeare reference. He didn’t sound impressed. “So, seriously, are you just curious, or off to get a cocktail party story about your onetime encounter with the illustrious Dave Strider?”  
  
“Actually, I was asking to help with your Flappy bird score. But hey, if there’s a cocktail party in my future, I hope you’ll be there telling the stories too. And I prefer first time, not one time.” That made Dave pause, and John could tell that he was looking at him strangely, even with his sunglasses on.  
  
“John.” He said, and it made the comedian blink in surprise. He didn’t realize Dave knew who he was, and kind of wanted to earn his friendship from a complete stranger’s perspective. Still, it didn’t really matter, he wanted to befriend him anyway.  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Are you hitting on me?” Dave asked, and the director managed to surprise him for the second time that night before John shook his head.  
  
“No, I’m not a homosexual.” He said, and Dave wanted to snort at the words, but was still seriously confused. He’d heard of John Egbert. The media had nothing but nice things to say about him, which was a pleasant change from the norm, and his jokes were funny. It would have been a crime in this age not to know John Egbert, with how often he graciously accepted interviews and always left everyone laughing. He always seemed to know the balance between offensive and funny, and spoke with so much sincerity that most found hard to hate. Dave wasn’t sure if that was part of his act or not, but apparently, he was going to find out.  
  
So, when he walked up to Dave Strider at a bar one night, the blonde could only guess at his intentions while maintaining his Hollywood like attitude. At this point, Dave was running out of options. He could have gone up to him and asked directly, but that was against any of his usual methods of reasoning and behavior. All Dave could really do now was play along, and see what this guy wanted from him.  
  
“Okay, so you said you wanted to help me improve my flappy bird score then, right?” John’s smile returned.  
  
“Sure. What’s your high score?” John asked, and Dave didn’t even have to look.  
  
“Eight.” He answered immediately. John’s eyes lit up in mirth.  
  
“Seriously?” He asked, and Dave didn’t respond. “Okay, okay. I’ll tell you when to flap, you just do it.” John said, and Dave smirked.  
  
“Actually, can we make it a little more interesting?” John blinked, and his lips curled into a frown.  
  
“How?” The man felt a little uneasy. Dave noticed this, and raised an eyebrow in victory before he spoke. He had to be getting to the core of John’s intentions now, right?  
  
“We could turn it into a drinking game.” Dave suggested. This was where he’d usually find out what people really wanted from him. They usually did two things from here- accepted, and got drunk until whatever they wanted faded out of their consciousness with all the alcohol, or they would deny and quickly walk away, with or without the cocktail party story in hand that they searched for. John shook his head.  
  
“I better not. I’m driving myself home tonight, and I’d rather not endanger everyone else on the road.” His voice was almost apologetic, and it made Dave curious. He wasn’t excusing himself yet, and he’d said something that piqued his interest.  
  
“Driving yourself? Why not hire someone?” John smiled lightly at the words.  
  
“Well, once I was almost kidnapped by a fan on uber. And I’ll never use a limo unless I have to, I don’t want to be that guy.” Dave gave him a look. Alright, so he really was curious now.  
  
“That guy? Who’s that guy?” John’s posture changed immediately. He’d leaned back a little, in relaxation, and his hands went up. Dave had seen him do this on tv- he was about to tell a story.  
  
“Okay, imagine yourself as a soccer mom that’s late for a game. Your kid is getting dressed behind you, an even younger kid is crying over something dumb, and you know the rest of those PTA soccer team moms are judgmental as heck. All the traffic lights seem to be red today, and it’s just adding to the slowly graying hair you’ll eventually end up dying. So, you’re running late, but you think you’ll get there before your kid is supposed to be on the field, as long as you can make one more U turn in time. Then, before you can, some asshole in a limo is right in front of you. It’s like sitting behind the school bus, but only with one person. In the end, you have to wait behind whatever rich idiot is in this limo, because he has the longest car in existence and everyone else has the right of way. I don’t want to be that rich idiot, okay?” John said, and the metaphor forced a little smile out of Dave. He could picture some suburban mom freaking out because someone with a car that can’t make a slim turn is in front of her.  
  
“Okay, well it’s no reason not to drink. If it’s really that much of a problem, I have a reliable guy with a normal sized car that can drive you home. Besides, why would you come to the bar if you don’t plan to drink?” He asked, and John offered him a sheepish grin.  
  
“I actually came with a few friends.”  
  
“Oh, really? Then how did you end up coming over here? I’m sure I’m not that captivating.” Dave commented offhandedly, and John shrugged. He could have lied, but John preferred to be truthful when it came to meeting people.  
  
“You’re captivating enough, but you came up in our conversation. My friends said you weren’t the greatest, according to the news. I said I would judge that after I met you, and I wanted to get to know you. Maybe even befriend you, if I could? My friends said you didn’t have any, and you’re drinking alone, which is kind of depressing.” John took a sip of his water, and Dave looked surprised. Was that really what he wanted? That couldn’t be it, right? There had to be more- something calculating behind his honest words. And just like that, Dave was self conscious- had he made a good impression? Did he really look depressing? Dave realized what he was feeling and immediately tried to stop. He was Dave Strider, he didn’t need to impress anyone. He didn’t want to. At least, he wouldn’t let himself act like he wanted to impress.  
  
“That was blunt.” He said, forcing a smirk, and John sighed. He could tell that Dave had been searching him throughout the course of their conversation, for some sort of insincerity. He hid it well, but entertainers had to know how to read people, and John could tell that he still didn’t trust him. It made him more sad than angry for not being trusted, because he feared that his friends were right. Dave had sent him every message to go away tonight, and it made him kind of sad that he was so hard to befriend. Their whole conversation teetered on the edge between banter and forced, and John wished he could change that.  
  
“As the queen demands.” He responded, holding his cup a little tighter, and Dave noted it. The director thought about himself now, and considered John’s words. He probably did look pretty depressing, just sitting here and drinking alone. Still, John couldn’t have really wanted to just befriend him because he looked lonely. People don’t do that anymore, right? No, he had to have some other bullshit intention, and Dave took all of his words with a mountain of salt.  
  
“So, have you judged it yet? If I’m still an asshole?” Dave asked, and John put a hand on his chin in thought.  
  
“You seem pretty normal, actually. I don’t know what their beef with you was.” Dave shook his head, and gave him a critical look.  
  
“Well, I’m not. Their ‘beef’ with you was founded, I’m not the nicest, or the most open person.” Dave said, and John looked unconvinced.  
  
“Why, do you say that because people never get to know you past your art, Polonius? I don’t think you’re as mysterious as everyone says you are.” Dave rolled his eyes.  
  
“Oh? You’ve got me figured out then, huh? Then what’s the deduction, problem sleuth? Why are you convinced that I’m not terrible?” Dave’s voice turned coy, and his words and tone combined to build a form of sarcasm that would have frustrated anyone. Dave was sure John would be out of his hair in no time, and he could go back to looking depressing. It beat fake therapy bullshit from strangers every time. “Well? I’m waiting, John. Can you hurry up and share your grand theory so I can get back to what I was doing?” He asked, and John gave him a look. Something flashed across the comedian’s face, and it prompted a sigh. Dave was ready.  
  
“Look, Dave. I see that you’re trying to make it hard to talk and trying to figure out what I’m doing here, but I already told you. I can tell that you don’t trust my intentions.” John said, avoiding eye contact. He had an edge in his voice, and it sounded… ah, upset.  
  
At the words, Dave had to hide a smirk. Here it was- when they got frustrated when they didn’t get the answers they wanted, and started showing what their real intentions were. He’d heard all of the lines before- the ‘I know you don’t trust me’s, and the unending ‘I’m here to help’ variants. Please. If this guy was another one of those people that tried to analyze him and thought they were done, they had something else coming. The blonde could have fun messing with this guy tonight. Dave was about to fire another line that would hopefully send the comedian packing, but John spoke up just as he opened his mouth.  
  
“Look, I’ll get out of your way. I’m sure you probably don’t want to talk, and you’re probably not going to really talk to me either. I’m sorry.” John said, and began to stand. Dave’s eyebrows raised in surprise. He hadn’t expected him to accept defeat that fast. “But I’m not manipulating you, I meant what I said, Dave. I’m really just trying to get to know you.” Dave snorted.  
  
“Sure. I hope you had a laugh, comedian.” Dave’s voice was sarcastic, and a little bored. The director didn’t hear a response, and rolled his eyes. Oh, please. No one would ever really want to get to know someone like Dave Strider. It was ridiculous to even consider that he was being sincere- he probably came here on a dare, or out of some stupid half curiosity, half social pressure deal. Dave knew the game, and he wasn’t up for playing it every time he walked into a bar. The director watched silently as John stood, and turned his back to him. Dave was done with the conversation, and he’d wanted to turn back around in his seat, but John spoke up.  
  
“I judged it, by the way. In my opinion, you’re not that bad.” John said, and turned away with a sigh. Dave’s eyes, which had gone half lidded in his newfound boredom, snapped open as John began to walk away. The director turned back in his chair immediately, and spoke up before he thought about the repercussions.  
  
“Wait!” He’d cried, and John stopped walking. He didn’t turn back around yet, but he was listening, and Dave was speaking, not thinking. But, Dave couldn’t have just let him walk away like that, like Dave was in the wrong. He was supposed to sulk back to his friend group, and call him a waste of time, or get mad, or something. Dave wasn’t going to let him get away and win like that, and his mind raced for something to say.  
  
“Yeah?” John asked, still not facing him. Dave swallowed, and then he found what he wanted- the last line that would leave John floundering for a response in that stupidly well prepared head of his.  
  
“You don’t know anything about me, how can you say I’m not that bad?” He asked, and usually that would have ended it. Dave wasn’t sure how John would respond, but he was spellbound, and on the edge of his seat as he waited. The man turned around, and the expression on his face made Dave blink behind his sunglasses. He looked… upset, but in a fiery way. It was more than that, and the director searched his head for a word that fit John’s face. A frown grew when he couldn’t think of the word- wait. Determined. That’s what that face was-John looked determined. When he spoke, Dave hung off his words.  
  
“If the media’s allowed to think you’re all bad based off one interview, can’t I think you’re cool based on one conversation?” He countered, and it threw Dave off. John looked at him seriously. “Dave. I know we only really, really talked for like ten minutes, not including all that stuff and awkward pauses at the beginning of our conversation, and even then, you spent the time trying to figure out what I wanted, so it may not actually count.” John took a breath. “But… in those few minutes, I learned that you’re pretty witty and creative and cool- so yeah, I can comfortably say it. Dave, you’re not that bad.” John was sincere, and the words officially shocked Dave into silence.  
  
John’s eyes seemed to penetrate his sunglasses, and they cut through him like cold wind cut through a thin jacket. What was the point of wearing a protective shield, mentally or otherwise, if John just broke through it? The director felt bare in his presence. The man that stood in front of him was… something, and Dave couldn’t figure out if it was good or bad. On one hand, he seemed open and honest, but Dave knew that ploy like the back of his hand. He couldn’t tell what this guy wanted from him, even after going through all the filters that usually helped Dave figure out someone’s motives. And John’s words… no one ever said that to Dave. No one said it with that much sincerity, at least. The blonde wasn’t sure if it was the excessive alcohol or just not being on his game tonight, but this guy was confusing him. He was silent for a while, even after he got over his surprise, and John didn’t leave. The comedian knew Dave had more to say, and Dave did. Usually he would have figured out something a little faster, but he was lost, and lacked a witty response and a cool line for the first time in ages. He had one question that had been burning inside him all night, and Dave realized he’d have to ask it if he wanted to break the silence in their conversation.  
  
“What did you mean,” He questioned, carefully. “When you said you wanted me to be there at cocktail parties too?” Dave asked, and John slowly slid back into the seat behind him as he spoke. Dave didn’t protest.  
  
“It’s always nice to see a familiar face, but I was hoping I would see you around in the future.” John said, and Dave was glad he had his sunglasses on, because this guy wasn’t making any sense. It couldn’t be the alcohol, could it? Maybe the alcohol was what threw him off so much, leaving him swirling in the emotional tornado that was John Egbert. He couldn’t understand what he was getting at. What was this guy looking for out of him?  
  
“Why?” He asked, because after any and every non-sexual interaction he’d ever indulged in, he never left a person wanting to see him again. He was a little drunk, but more than that, he was curious. And, in that moment, Dave decided to just question him, and see how long he’d keep up his game.  
  
“Why not? You’re fun to talk to, and cool.” John stated, and Dave frowned. That couldn’t be it. He couldn’t just be making conversation, could he? Just trying to get to know him. It didn’t sound right, it sounded like it was a lie. An idea popped into Dave’s head, about what John could be doing. At this point, he was too lost in John’s manipulative tornado. That’s what this was, right? He had to be blowing hot air in his face; he had to want something.  
  
“Are you trying to get a story for Comedy Night Live, or something?” Dave asked, and John shook his head. Dave was running out of ideas now. He didn’t know what to do, what to think, or what to expect.  
  
“No, not at all- wait, you watch my show?” He asked, his voice changing a little. Apparently, after the silence, John was willing to accept that their conversation was shifting. Dave felt it, John felt it, and while Dave had no clue what to do- return to the hostile lack of communication and genuine discomfort, or forge ahead into whatever their conversation was becoming- John did. John knew exactly where this, and where they were going, towards friendship, and he acted accordingly. Dave Strider swallowed.  
  
“Yeah. It’s funny.” Dave was being honest now. Normaly, he would have tried for a sarcastic response, but he was so confused, and didn’t understand what the hell his deal was.  
  
“Wait, really? You watch it? And you like it?” John asked, and a weird feeling stirred in Dave’s stomach, and it wasn’t the unpleasant feeling of alcohol. Dave read John clearly now- that was genuine excitement. And it wasn’t because he’d made a new movie, or ridiculously high profits, or something else. He’d made him happy. By knowing who he was, by watching Comedy Night Live, by barely complementing it, he made John Egbert happy. And even more bizarrely, Dave almost felt good for inciting such a reaction in Dave. And when Dave realized it, and saw the look on his face- that excitement, that genuine hope, he felt something shift inside him. Suddenly, Tornado John Egbert was gone, and Dave wasn’t sure if he’d just reached the eye, or if he’d really been imagining John manipulating him this whole time. Had he been genuine this whole time? Dave realized that he was. He tested it.  
  
“Who doesn’t?” Dave countered, and John’s response was as casual as it was genuinely happy.  
  
“The Pope, and one lady I met in a jail once.” John’s face was straight, and that confirmed it. He really was just trying to talk to him and get to know him then- okay. Okay, so the impossible happened. This was fine. Dave…had no clue what to do now. A consciousness, and a hint of his actual personality, surfacing from behind years of training himself for conversations, offered a suggestion. He could be honest. Be friendly, even. That wasn’t impossible, right? He used to act- he could act friendly until he figured out how to do it comfortably. Dave wrote their situation as a scene in his head, and thought of what a budding friendship protagonist would do. Suddenly, he had his perfect, movie scene response- an eye roll. Dutifully, Dave rolled his eyes, and smirked with his next answer, but it was less hostile and more teasing now, in the way that two budding friends would interact.  
  
“Yeah, okay, what were you doing in jail? Everyone loves you.” He said, and Dave saw the genuine happiness on John’s face. Good move. The man responded modestly.  
  
“Nah, I’ve received my share of hate. But, I was doing a comedy routine for the local jail once.” His lips turned up as he remembered it. “It was right after some Evangelists came in, so I told this guy named Moses to tell the guard to ‘let my people go’, and the entire place started laughing. It was great.” He reminisced, and Dave thought of his next reaction, and snorted.  
  
“Religious jokes at a jail- of course. Yeah, that’s the closest I would expect you to get.” This- the responses, the ‘acting’, was getting easier. He slowly began to stop thinking ten steps ahead into their conversation, and slowly abandoned the scene in his head, then started to just talk.  
  
“What?” John’s voice said with a squeak. “I mean, what do you mean?” He tried again, lowering his voice. Dave didn’t even think about the correct reaction before he laughed. They were just talking now, normally conversing, and Dave’s guard was down, for the first time in ages. Internally, John did a victory dance. He could tell that Dave was warming up to him, and making him laugh would always be a victory in the comedian’s head. This was definitely progress.  
  
“Please, you’re John Egbert. Everyone loves you- I wouldn’t expect you to do something hardcore that could land you in jail, or otherwise.” Dave said, and shook his head at the thought. John Egbert, breaking the law? His universal nickname, “my son” made him one of the most beloved people in America. He was sure that even a seasoned policeman would have a difficult time arresting him, just because he was so happy and cute and good and well liked by everyone. Everyone loved John Egbert, and Dave was certain that the day he got a criminal record was when the world would end. Still, John took Dave’s words as a challenge.  
  
“Hey, I’m totally hardcore- without breaking the law.” John said, sounding confident.  
  
“Okay, so if I name one thing I would count as hardcore, you can guarantee you’ve done it or would do it?” Dave asked, smirking. He noticed John falter, but then he looked back confidently.  
  
“Most likely, I did some crazy stuff before I became a comedian.” John’s voice was confident, and a little challenging. Dave took a second to really look at him. He tried not to find it weird that John wasn’t lying to him, or trying to get a story. He was just… talking to him, and he’d ditched his friends to do it. They were talking like two normal people, not thinking a thousand steps ahead of themselves, and Dave loved it. He loved it a lot.  
  
He wanted to keep talking, without mental borders, forever. And more importantly, Dave wanted John to feel the same about him. This was so casual, and yet, it was everything to the lonely director. So, of course he wanted John to enjoy himself too. That was normal. But this seemed to go farther. Dave didn’t fully understand why, but he wanted to be better. He wanted John to think he was charming, or cool. He…he wanted to impress him. So, Dave could have said a variety of things. He could have suggested something that John would never do, to make him win this little game, or he could have suggested something softcore that John probably had done before, and let him win. But letting John win wasn’t fun for either of them, and Dave wanted to have fun with John. More importantly, he wanted John to have fun with him, both to make up for being such a douche and so they could really enjoy each other’s presence. So, he made his suggestion.  
  
“Have you played ski ball at 11 at night?” Dave fought off an honest grin when he’d surprised John. That definitely wasn’t what he was expecting. And he felt even better now that John was struggling for a reason why he hadn’t done something like this.  
  
“Well, no. You probably couldn’t enter Chuck- e- cheese’s that late.” John’s tone was reasonable, and Dave smirked.  
  
“What about Dave and Buster’s?” John thought about it. “I guess I haven’t, but I would.” John said thoughtfully. The director, who'd suddenly felt the need to avoid John's glance (the fact that he was wearing sunglasses eluded him in the moment) took a second to check and change the tone of his next words.  
  
“You want to?” He asked, and Dave felt a surprising rush of nervousness. He just threw himself out there. Dave remembered why he was so versed in the art of hiding himself in conversation now. Putting yourself out there was scary, and he had no clue what John would say. As for John, the man had really just meant to befriend him, then introduce the director to Rose and Jade from there, and prove his two friends wrong, and hopefully add him into their group of close friends. But maybe he could save that for another night. John wanted to get to know Dave better alone too, and his offer actually sounded really fun. It was unexpected, but fun- John was sure he’d have a good time being friends with Dave Strider. At the thought, the comedian’s expression turned from thoughtful to genuinely happy.  
  
“Sounds awesome!” John said, already envisioning the good time they’d have, and how he planned to share the good side of Dave Strider with the world on his show. Then, he paused. He didn’t want to seem like he was doing all of this for a story, because John legitimately wanted to befriend the director. He may not have planned to travel out tonight, but he wasn’t opposed to it now. Especially since he was sure it would make awesome material- but, John had to ask Dave if it was okay first then. “…but I can’t promise you won’t hear about this on Comedy Night. I like to tell people when I have fun.” John said, and Dave thought about it. He’d already decided that John wasn’t just talking to him to get a story. So what harm could it be if he happened to share whatever they did tonight? As long as he was in John’s company, maybe Dave could put down his image, at least a little.  
  
“I look forward to it.” Dave said, and John stood. He was grinning now, and his words rushed out of his mouth. He really was excited.  
  
“Sweet! But I should let Rose and Jade know not to wait up. Could you come over for a second?” John asked, and Dave frowned. He was okay with talking with John, but his friends? Dave wasn’t certain that he wanted to meet them yet, and he couldn’t just act normally in front of them, but nice to John. So, yeah, meeting the friends wasn’t high on his list of priorities right now.  
  
“I’ll catch up later.” He responded, and the words made John roll his eyes and send Dave a playful smirk with his response.  
  
“What, afraid of talking to girls? Come on, they won’t bite.” He said, but Dave was adamant.  
  
“It’s cool, I’ll wait here.” Dave said, and John shrugged. The comedian wasn’t going to push Dave, so he sighed, and walked back over to his friends. John appeared in front of Rose and Jade, and waited for them to stop talking. Jade was laughing at something, and Rose allowed her usual polite little laughs to surface, though John could tell she was holding back some of her laughter at whatever they were talking about. They paused when they saw John.  
  
“Oh, Jonathan, hello.” Rose said, prompting Jade to look up. She noticed Dave standing slightly off to the side, and it was clear he was waiting for John.  
  
“Oh, hey John- and… wow, no way! Does this mean he’s not actually a douchebag?” She added, and John rolled his eyes.  
  
“He’s really not that bad. Anyway, we’re heading out, but we need to do this again soon.” John said, and as soon as the words left his mouth, a disbelieving grin stretched across Jade’s face, and she shared another one of her looks with Rose.  
  
“Goodness John, you work quickly. You’ll have to share your tactics with Jade, I’m impressed.” She said, and it was enough to make John laugh. He really wasn’t homosexual, but he did find the situation a little comical. However, he did correct her.  
  
“Woah, cool the tentacle fantasies, we’re just going to Dave and Buster’s.” John said, and Jade laughed, and commented under her breath.  
  
“I know Dave’s going to be busting something tonight.” She responded, and it made Rose laugh, while John let out an incredulous sound in disbelief.  
  
“Jade! I swear, we’re just hanging out, come on!” He said it earnestly, but Rose’s knowing smirk wasn’t deterred.  
  
“Of course you are. Don’t worry John, go have fun.” She added, her tone a little patronizing, and John rolled his eyes. He would have responded with something funny, but Jade spoke up.  
  
“Yeah, don’t get pregnant John!” She said, “But totally tell me the story later, okay?” She added with a loud whisper, and John laughed.  
  
“Whatever, you pervs. Good night.” Rose stood up and gave John a hug, and Jade ecstatically did the same. After a few more goodbyes, John was at Dave’s side again. “Hey, you ready to head out?” John asked, and Dave arched a perfect eyebrow over his sunglasses.  
  
“Sure.” He said, and he walked out the door, but continued talking. “So, those friends of yours- are they always like that?” Dave asked, and John blinked.  
  
“Like what?” Dave’s voice got a little uncomfortable.  
  
“I wasn’t that far away, I could hear. They had a few interesting ideas about where we were going.” John laughed.  
  
“Oh, they are, but they were joking too. Don’t worry, they’re not starting anything. Rose and Jade are probably my two closest friends in the world.” Dave bit back a snort.  
  
“You like to make friends in high places.” He noted, and John offered him a small smile.  
  
“I sure do. In fact, I hope I’m doing it right now.” John said, and the statement made Dave pause. He couldn’t stop the grin that hit his face when he realized John was talking about him. That had to be the first time he’d really smiled in public in years. He almost regretted it when he forced the smile off his face, but he knew John saw it anyway. After a little discussion, they found themselves in John’s car. The two men slowly rode out to the nearest Dave and Buster’s, and despite having less than an hour before they closed, the two made the most of it.  
  
Dave took frequent, if not concerning visits to the open bar, but he acted normal. John tried playing ski ball and found that he sucked at it, until he walked up to the side and cheated. A few people looked unhappy with him for that, and eventually he stopped. The two ran around like children, exchanging dollar bills for quarters and playing racing games. John made a few jokes about drinking and driving, considering how many times Dave lost to him, and Dave actually laughed the entire time.  
  
The director found himself letting go more than he had in ages, and as he slowly lost the Hollywood attitude, he stopped caring that other people saw him. If he was being honest with himself, and of course Dave Strider never was, but he really did care what people thought. That was why he worked so hard to tarnish his name, and give himself the reputation of being an asshole. Everyone believed it too, except for the person that stood across from him at the air hockey table.  
  
He didn’t know how or why, but John’s open, unending kindness made him loosen up and show parts of himself that hadn’t surfaced in years. Sure, he was drunk off his ass, but he found himself caring less and less about it. In fact, he didn’t even mind being drunk around John. Something about his truthful delivery broke through Dave’s harsh demeanor. And when John broke through… he found a pretty cool guy. One that liked to laugh and talk about things that didn’t make sense and spin the English slanguage in every way he could. John liked him. As he watched the director push another puck in his goal, John wondered why Dave had hidden this part of himself from John before. The guy across from him was great, even if he was a little intoxicated. Well, a lot intoxicated, but still. Eventually, the two had to leave Dave and Buster’s, but Dave had let himself get really drunk. He could walk, but John still looked at him in worry.  
  
“Dave, are you okay?” John asked, but Dave just let out a shaky smirk.  
  
“Please Egbert, I’m-” He paused, like he was searching for a word that fit. “fine. I really should be getting back now, but damn, this was fun.” He said, and on his words alone, John would have thought he was fine. However, the man stumbled and tripped over his feet a multitude of times before John caught him. He was most certainly not fine.  
  
“Do you have anyone else at home that will make sure you’re okay?” He asked, unconvinced. Dave frowned at him.  
  
“I live alone, but I’m fine. I’ve been drunker before, no need to freak out.” In reality, Dave knew he’d have a gigantic hangover, and he probably needed to go to sleep and meet his fate now. John wanted to believe him, but probably wouldn’t sleep well unless he knew the man was okay. Besides, this was what friends did anyway.  
  
“You can’t even type the numbers to call your driver. Do you have a California house? Or a hotel?” John asked, and Dave frowned.  
  
“I don’t need to be- fuck.” He said, and John realized the man had fallen over. He’d perfected his drunk speaking already, and though strange, John had seen people do it before. They would seem fine on a phone call, but wouldn’t actually know their own birthdays, and their judgment would be severely impaired. John picked him up and walked him back over to his car, hoping the man wouldn’t throw up inside. Eventually, John found his hotel on Google maps and started the drive over to it. Over the course of a car ride with drunk babblings, he learned that his main home was in Texas, and he was just here after a long set of business meetings for his upcoming movie. Along with that, they had a variety of strange conversations.  
  
“John.” One of them started, and the one with the darker hair of the two would answer.  
  
“Yes, Dave?”  
  
“If you were a girl, would your name be Jane?”  
  
“Maybe? My mom’s name was Jane.” The man got quiet for a second.  
  
“I didn’t have a mom, or a dad.”  
  
“Were you an orphan?” John instantly regretted it- he shouldn’t have been asking questions about Dave’s personal life. John had no right to ask these personal things while he was drunk. “Actually Dave, you don’t have to answer.”  
  
“No, I want you to know.” He said, and that startled the man. John took a quick glance at the backseat, where Dave, with his sunglasses half-falling off his face looked back at him. “I had an older brother, and he ran a porn company.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Yeah. He used to sword duel me a lot. It wasn’t fencing either, it was the video game kind. He always used a katana, and I used a saber.”  
  
“That’s really cool.” John commented in surprise, but Dave’s response quieted him.  
  
“No, I hated it. It was the worst thing in the world, fighting him, because he was so skilled that ‘going easy on me’ was still lethal. I would be half-dead after we did this, but the training worked. You know, there’s never any blood in SBaHJ, and I think it’s because I’ve seen my own too much. I didn’t like it.” He commented, and John didn’t know what to say.  
  
“I’m sorry you had to go through that.” He said, finally, and Dave was quiet for a while before responding.  
  
“Me too. I don’t know where he is any more, but I don’t care either. He was a jerk.” Dave took a deep breath. “Don’t run porn companies, John.” He said, as if that was the moral of the story surrounding his gruesome childhood.  
  
“I won’t.” John promised, and eventually, they reached a hotel. John paid for the room quickly, offering an apology to the late night employee. She didn’t seem to recognize him, but she did give him a tired looking smile, and he thanked her profusely. The two rode an elevator up to his room, and Dave called him Jane the entire time. When John set him down in his room, Dave thanked him. “It’s fine. You’re going to have a sucky hangover though- do you have advil?” John asked, and Dave frowned, then shook his head.  
  
“I’ll have someone get it in the morning.” He said, and John frowned.  
  
“But you have to take it tonight to make your head hurt less.” John said, and Dave shrugged, and John thought about it. “I’ll get it for you!” He said, and Dave spoke up in protest.  
  
“It’s fine, you don’t have to do that, I’ve dealt with worse.” He said, and John looked at him.  
  
“What’s my name again?”  
  
“Jane… betty Cake… no, shit, John Crocker?” Dave asked, and John rolled his eyes. He couldn’t take care of himself in this state.  
  
“I’m getting you Advil and Gatorade, stay here and stay awake, okay?” John said, and picked his room key up off the side table. He quickly exited, and sighed. At least he was used to caring for drunk friends by now, even if he hadn’t done it since Rose’s issue. Still, he hoped he wasn’t being intrusive. Well, at least after he got Dave to take the medicine he could leave, and both Jade and Rose would eat their words.  
  
Dave sat alone in the hotel room and frowned. He wasn’t used to being cared for when drunk, and had no idea what he was supposed to do. He remembered eating before he went out to drink, at least, but he still felt a little uncomfortable. Well, he knew for a fact that his suit was getting increasingly uncomfortable, and decided that he would take it off, then wear something more comfortable. That was, if he could get it off. Eventually, he did remove the expensive looking clothing nightmare from his body, and pondered what he should do next.  
  
In the end, he decided that his breath smelled awful, so he got out his bottle of Listerine and used mouth wash, then brushed his teeth. He stood there in nothing but his boxers and socks, then thought about his next move. John told him to stay awake, and Dave decided that he liked John, so that was what he did. When he turned on the television, he chose the channel with a crackling campfire on it, and swore he felt warm. So, when John finally did return, with a bag full of Gatorade, Advil, bread, and other basic hangover supplies, he was confused at the state he found Dave in.  
  
“What are you doing?” John asked, and Dave patted the floor next to him.  
  
“Sit by the campfire, Jane.” He invited, and John’s eyes bulged from his head as he scanned the blonde’s lithe, nude frame.  
  
“You’re naked!”  
  
“Dude, sit.” He said again, and John shook his head and laughed to himself. Rose and Jade would be eating their words if they saw him now. John moved to sit next to him. He held up the Gatorade bottles and the headache medicine.  
  
“Hey, take this.” He said, and Dave shrugged. John took out two pills, as the instructions said, and handed them to Dave. He swallowed them automatically, and John handed him the green Gatorade he found at the store. The bottle was large, but he gave it to Dave. “Drink this, okay?” Dave was about to take it, but noticed how awkward John looked.  
  
“You’re uncomfortable.” He commented, and John shrugged.  
  
“I’m fine.” He may have been used to dealing with intoxicated people, but they’d usually known each other for a while. Everything was different with Dave, it seemed.  
  
“No, you’re not. Afraid of sitting next to a movie star, John? I won’t bite.” He said, using some of John’s words from earlier that night against him, and John felt a smile tug at his lips. Apparently, Dave Strider was attentive to other people’s needs. Caring for a drunk Dave wasn’t all that bad, even if he was a little naked, and John was alright with humoring him for a little.  
  
“I wasn’t afraid. You’re just naked.” He corrected, softly, and Dave answered him.  
  
“Whatever you say, Johnny cakes.” Dave said, and burst into laughter. John didn’t get what was funny, but wasn’t drunk either. Eventually, Dave stopped laughing and actually pouted. “You’re not laughing.” He noted, and John put a hand behind his neck.  
  
“Sorry. Are you going to drink that Gatorade?” Dave looked like he considered it for a minute, then shook his head.  
  
“Yeah, that’s a no. I want to see you laugh first.” John blinked at him.  
  
“Why?” He asked, in confusion, and Dave, filter-less, drunk Dave, answered.  
  
“I like making you laugh.” He said, honestly, and John felt himself smile. He doubted the sober Dave would ever be saying this, and really, he needed to get the man to go to sleep. His judgment was clearly impaired, and John felt a little guilty for entertaining this so much.  
  
“Well, I’m not laughing until you drink what I tell you to.” John said, and Dave looked at him. His sunglasses were off now, and John could see his red eyes widen in alarm.  
  
“Are you fucking poisoning me? I’m a sword fighter.” Dave said, and John backed up, almost horrified by the idea. He put his hands up- Dave was looking alarmingly ready to fight, and the comedian’s heart froze at the change in personality.  
  
“No, of course not! This is just Gatorade, and I’m your friend.” Dave offered a hollow laugh in response, and the director’s face changed. John’s heart broke a little when he saw the sad, lonesome expression on Dave’s face.  
  
“I know that’s a lie, man. I don’t have friends.” He said, and John felt himself scoot closer to Dave. He placed a hand on his shoulder, and despite the sad admission, put a reassuring smile on his face.  
  
“You have one now. We’re friends, okay?” John said, and Dave’s smile almost looked shy. John felt a thrill travel through him, as if he was looking through someone’s diary. He was seeing parts of Dave Strider that no one had ever seen before, just by becoming his friend. With a start, he realized he could never share this on Comedy Night Live. As much as he knew the viewers would eat up a story about how he entered Dave Strider’s personal life for a day, he knew he couldn’t share. This felt personal, like something he shouldn’t have found, but discovered anyway. It wasn’t right to let the world know about it. This was a secret, shared between two, and he almost didn’t want to share the encounter with anyone- even Rose and Jade.  
  
“Okay.” Dave agreed, and even in his drunken state, Dave could tell that it meant something. His eyes found John’s, and the two watched each other carefully for a moment, then Dave coughed to break end it. “So, if I drink stuff, you’ll laugh for me?” The words snapped John out of his thoughts, and he nodded.  
  
“I will.” He promised, and Dave smirked.  
  
“Fine, but only if you look a little less uncomfortable over there- loosen your tie or something, wearing a suit for this long can’t be fun.” Dave said, and the words stuck to John’s mind. Hesitantly, he removed his jacket and shoes, then took off his socks and instantly felt better. John loosened his tie but didn’t take it off, and, satisfied, Dave began to drink the Gatorade. John handed him a water bottle as well, and after he used the bathroom and John made him wash his hands, the blue eyed man was ready to get Dave to sleep.  
  
“Alright Dave, get in bed.” John said, and Dave raised an eyebrow at him.  
  
“You promised you would laugh.” Dave said, and John let out a quick laugh, but it sounded so forced that even he knew it wasn’t what Dave wanted. “No, you did it wrong. It’s supposed to be cuter, and happier. Dave added, and John felt heat pool in his ears. Then again, a lot of his fans, male and female alike, said his laugh was cute. The drunk comment probably didn’t mean anything.  
  
“Well, I can’t just laugh for no reason.” John said, and Dave frowned, before his mouth went up in a smirk.  
  
“Okay then, I’ll make you laugh.”  
  
“And then you’ll get in bed?” John asked warily, and Dave nodded. He sighed with relief. Now, John expected a joke, or something of that manor. What the shorter man didn’t expect was to be lightly pushed against a wall by Dave, whose lean form had a lot of muscle. “What are you-” He started, but he couldn’t finish because Dave was pulling up his button down shirt. John held it up for him, curiously, and Dave quickly moved to blow raspberries on it. John squealed, but didn’t laugh. “Dave, stop!” He cried, and Dave did, immediately.  
  
“That wasn’t a laugh.” The blonde said, and immediately pointed towards the hotel’s bed. “Hold on, I have an idea, get on that.” John froze for a second.  
  
“What?” John asked, indignantly, and Dave frowned.  
  
“Trust me. You said we’re friends, right?” He said, and John looked weary at the situation, but he had promised he would laugh for Dave. As soon as he sat the blonde was upon him, and John remembered how little clothing Dave had on. Dave, however, seemed to pay his lack of clothing no attention as he advanced on John, and, before John could even understand what was going on, removed his shirt. He still had his tie on, but Dave could work around it. “Easy access.” Dave explained, and moved his hands to John’s sides. Immediately, John started to giggle.  
  
“No, Dave! I’m ticklish!” He cried, and Dave continued with a grin.  
  
“Duh.” He did it to John for a few seconds before John fought back, and put his hands at Dave’s neck. He knew he couldn’t overpower him on strength alone, but making him laugh could have made him weaker. However, the blonde didn’t respond with laughter- his face stayed the same. “I’m not ticklish.” He said, and saw John’s face fall. A dastardly grin hit his face, as he tried to make John continue smiling. “But you are.” He said, and continued tickling John. Eventually, the man was in tears, and Dave couldn’t help himself- he laughed too. Dave stopped tickling before it got too painful, and both sat there with their hearts beating quickly in their heaving chests. John’s glasses had fallen off, and now he got an uncovered view of John’s eyes. The two just stared at each other for some time, and Dave couldn’t help but feel a buzz, and not from the alcohol.  
  
Just as John started to come down from the exhaustion of being tickled, he felt Dave lean down towards him. His heart hammered in his chest, and suddenly, Dave’s lips were no more than a centimeter away from John’s. An accidental movement from John’s head was all it took for the lips to meet, and Dave moved his uncovered knee to John’s pants. He grinded slowly, and John felt his hips warm to Dave’s knee. After a few seconds, John realized what was happening and tried to push Dave off him. He should have known Dave was drunk, and realized he wasn’t in the greatest position. John’s face flushed, and Dave eventually got off.  
  
“Dave, I don’t want to- I’m sorry.” He said, and the man didn’t look hurt- he was just confused.  
  
“You don’t? But, you came back to my hotel room after leaving. I took your shirt off on the bed. Did that not mean that you wanted to…?” He made it a question, and John shook his head.  
  
“No. I’m sorry, that was a bad move, I know. But you’re drunk, and I’m straight.” He said, his voice sounding a little regretful. “Can I stand up?” He asked, and Dave let him. John uncovered the sheets, and gestured to the bed. “Get in.” He said, and Dave did it without question. He walked into the bed, and John guiltily began to tuck him in, but he paused.  
  
“Wait.” Dave said, and John looked confused. John was glad that Dave was letting him go, and he decided that he’d just…ignore that kiss.  
  
“Uh, yes?”  
  
“Dude, was that good? Did you like… that?” He asked, and John looked down. Apparently, he was sporting a raging boner, and John’s face flushed when he realized it. Dave grinned, then turned in the bed. John tried to cover it, and was clearly embarrassed. “No, don’t be embarrassed, it’s fine! It’s okay. Fuck, it’s cute.” Dave spoke reassuringly, but received no response from John. The comedian was trying to think of a way out. Dave sat up in bed, and pulled lightly at John’s tie. It was like John was watching the events unfold, because suddenly John was straddling Dave, and the director’s arms were around the comedian’s neck. Dave smirked up at him confidently, and John’s eyes fell closed. The slightest push, or resistance, or anything from John would have stopped Dave. He received no such push. Their lips met again, and John’s cheeks were warm. His eyes fluttered shut, and he felt Dave’s nimble fingers undoing his tie. Dave hummed into the kiss and threw the scrap of fabric to the side, then his hands were in John’s hair and they got closer, and closer, until chests touched, and tongues moved, and hands tangled and wrapped around flesh and hair and each other and it was wonderful.  
  
Eventually, Dave pushed John off him lightly, and made the comedian stand. Dave pulled himself out of bed right after John stood, to John’s embarrassment, and pinned him against the wall again. But it was different this time. The tone changed from tickle war to something more intimate. It was explicitly sexual, yeah, but John felt a twinge of intimacy in the way Dave handled him. He was so gentle, yet forceful. He had his hands on John’s chest and palmed his nipples softly, then smirked when he heard John whine. The blonde’s head moved to John’s chest, and he put a nipple in his mouth as his hands wandered down to John’s pants.  
  
As he pushed down John’s zipper, John gave a squeak of alarm, but Dave quieted him by popping off his chest, then trailing his lips up his chest to his neck. John made a sound he would deny later, and Dave whispered assurances into his neck. His warm breath ghosted over the ticklish area, but it didn’t make him laugh this time; John was shaking now. Briefly, John wondered why the director didn’t stink of alcohol. Perhaps he’d brushed his teeth, in preparation? John shuddered at the thought, but really, the hand that finally removed his pant’s zipper and sent them falling down his legs was the real thing that made him shudder. He groaned when Dave pressed his lips into all the right places on his neck, and his hips bucked up into Dave’s in anticipation.  
  
Dave guided him off the wall and half carried him over to the bed again, his mouth still nibbling and kissing John’s neck, until he placed the comedian at the edge of the bed. John wanted to protest, but Dave put a hand over the bulge in his boxers, and he groaned instead.  
  
Dave he lowered himself to his knees. He’d already kissed the sensitive spots around his neck a multitude of times, but graciously didn’t leave marks. The campfire channel played relaxing music, and Dave tugged at John’s boxers. John, too high on sensation to care, let him remove them. Without hesitating, Dave looked up at John’s face and flashed him a smile, then quickly began kissing down his body, all the way to his torso, and dick. Blue eyes fell closed as John shuddered, and his mouth fell open in a little ‘o’ shape.  
  
Dave immediately went to work on John’s erection with his mouth. As he played with the throbbing organ, Dave continued tweaking John’s chest. The blonde sucked, slurped, and finally, took some of John’s penis in his mouth. As he sucked, his hands toyed with John’s balls, and fingers fell between testicles with practiced ease. John threaded his hands through Dave’s soft hair and groaned. The action only seemed to encourage Dave, who pulled off, then moved down to the base of his cock, and used the full width of his tongue to lick it almost to the top. The action forced a moan from John’s bitten lip, and he let out a series of whines and small pleas when Dave would swirl his tongue around the base and wrap his mouth around the center.  
  
“D-ahh-” John attempted to communicate something- anything, but it came out as little more than a moan when Dave finally moved to the tip. He’d been avoiding it, but when he did suck lightly around it, John’s hips bucked into his mouth and he released a pleasured groan. Dave made John whine again, and with a practiced bob of his head, he completely engulfed his organ in his throat. John was bucking more, and eventually, Dave had him on the precipice of orgasm. He offered both of his testicles long sucks in his mouth, then snapped, forcing John’s fluttering eyelids to snap open. Dave wanted him to watch what he was doing, and be okay that it was him doing it. Dave knew just how to keep his attention too- his red eyes were good for something. So, Dave made eye contact, and John didn’t dare to break it. The director watched John’s face as he licked up from John’s base once again, eliciting a shudder from the man. That was John’s dick, and a guy was sucking it, and it felt amazing enough to push him over that edge. Eventually, John tried to warn Dave of his incoming ejaculation through his moans and pants. “D-Dave, I’m going to-” The blonde chose the moment to wiggle his tongue atop John’s slit, then suck lightly at the precum that gathered there. In an instant, John pushed Dave’s head down on his organ again and came deep in his throat. Dave hummed, letting his throat ripple around the throbbing organ, and after a substantial number of squirts, John finished.  
  
He fell backwards on the bed, only inviting Dave to crawl on top of him. Of course, he didn’t let his weight sink down on the slowly softening man, but he did hover over him. Dave smirked as the man sat, breathless before him. He loved it when his partners were like that.  
  
“You taste good.” He commented, and if it was even possible, John’s face darkened more at the words. He didn’t know what to say.  
  
“Do you do that often?” Was the response he finally settled on, and Dave looked up at John with a raised eyebrow.  
  
“Why, was it that good?”  
  
“Yes!” John practically hissed the words, and Dave let out another laugh. It felt good to laugh, and it felt even better around John. He felt Dave’s clothed erection near his own, but John’s gaze faltered. “I-I don’t know if-” he tried, and Dave seemed to understand.  
  
“It’s okay. Want me to get you off again?” Dave asked, and John looked at him doubtfully.  
  
“I’m not even gay.” He said, and Dave shrugged.  
  
“Doesn’t mean I can’t help you with your growing problem.” Dave stated, and John realized he was right. It had grown, substantially. Apparently, just Dave’s presence was enough to get him hard again. Dave rose up a little to palm it, making John shudder. Blue eyes met the wet spot in Dave’s underwear, and he looked guilty again.  
  
“What about you?”  
  
“I want to focus on you.” Dave said, and John started to protest.  
  
“No, I can’t just-”  
  
“John.” He cut him off with his name, and emphasized his next words. “You don’t understand. I want to.” He said again, and his eyes almost looked hungrily towards John’s quickly rising penis. John understood after that. Blood rushed to both his face and his nether organ as he heard the phrase. This was what he wanted- what he needed. Dave wanted make someone else feel good, after forcing himself into the role of Hollywood’s notorious asshole. John was sure that Rose could psychoanalyze it, but John guessed that he’d gotten the idea right. Dave wanted to make him feel good, and his own erection came second. Still, John felt a little guilty. He knew something had to be given in sex, on both parts. Even if it was gay. Oh gosh, this was gay, how could he- John cut his thoughts off there, and looked back at Dave. The comedian took a deep breath, and decided he would leave the soul searching for later.  
  
“Do you bottom?” John asked, and the look in Dave’s eyes made him shudder.  
  
“Do you want me to?” His voice was all husk and half a whisper, and John gulped.  
  
“Yes.” He said, and Dave immediately exited the bed in search for lube. When he found the tube he never traveled without, the blonde looked at John.  
  
“I’m guessing you’ve never done this?”  
  
“No.” the response came out embarrassed, and Dave handed him the lube.  
  
“It’s fine. I always clean out before I visit the bar. Start with one finger and work your way in.” John blinked, then nodded. He had no idea what to do, and squirted some of the lubricant up Dave’s butt. He shivered at the sudden sensation, but it wasn’t pleasurable. “No- John, put it on your fingers.” Dave said, a smirk on his face. Okay, so maybe John wasn’t the most experienced of partners, but even a drunk Dave Strider could work with that. He hoped he hadn’t embarrassed John, because John’s ears were burning.  
  
“Oh, right- sorry.”  
  
“It’s fine.” Dave said, and put a hand up. “Hold on though, it’ll be easier on all fours.” He said, and John let him move. He got in said position, then John, with the lubricant on his fingers, put one tentatively against Dave’s butt. “Hey,” Dave spoke up, in a tone he used to calm panicking actors when they were alone. “If you can’t, it’s fine.” The blonde meant it too. Even drunk, Dave wanted John to get over the mental block of having sex on his own, and if he couldn’t, Dave would never force it on him.  
  
He always put his partner first and foremost when it came to sex, because he got off on producing that last satisfied groan, and he loved the expression on their face when they came, because of him. It could be male or female- Dave Strider was never too particular, so long as the other party had a good time. With John, this mattered even more. This was his first friend in years, and though he didn’t realize that pushing a person he’d known for less than a day against a wall probably wasn’t the best way to kindle a friendship in his drunkenness, it didn’t stop him from doing it anyway. He heard John take a deep breath.  
  
“No, let’s... I’ll put it in.” John pushed the finger past the tight ring of muscle and Dave hissed. “Does it hurt?” John asked, and Dave gave a shrug, despite being on all fours.  
  
“It’s not supposed to be easy, but I’m fine. Keep going.” John recognized that it felt tighter than expected, and the thought of putting his throbbing organ in the enclosed space made more blood rush to it. He continued, and slowly put the rest if his first finger inside, then took it out. After thrusting it in and out a few times, Dave voiced his approval with a little moan. “Add a second finger in.” The blonde said, and John complied. For a second, he worried he couldn’t move, but eventually got to thrusting both fingers in and out. John hit a spot that made Dave moan, and he blinked in surprise.  
  
“Was that your prostate?” John asked, because he understood basic male anatomy, and Dave smirked back at him through the haze of alcohol and pleasure.  
  
“Ding, we have a winner. But move your fingers like they’re scissors for a little. You’re trying to stretch me out.” Dave said helpfully, and John tried it. Eventually, he was able to push his fingers in and out while stretching, and after a while, Dave called for him to stop. John was prepared to put it in, but Dave had another request. “Hey, if this isn’t too weird, could I switch positions on the bed?” John looked confused at the request.  
  
“Sure, but you said it would be easier on all fours, right?” John asked, and Dave gave him a confident smirk.  
  
“Yeah, but then I don’t get to see you.” John’s face cooled off since his stretching of Dave, but a twinge of blush hit his cheeks at the words.  
  
“Oh- Okay.” John said, and watched as Dave put himself down on the bed. John crawled on top of him, and Dave hooked his legs around his waist, as if they belonged there. As John lined up and sank down into him, he gave Dave a little warning. “I’m going to do it.” John said, and Dave rolled his eyes.  
  
“Thanks for the warning, John. Would you like to write it out too?” He asked, and John gave him a look.  
  
“Shut up.”  
  
“Good luck with that, cupcake. I can get loud.” John shook his head, and grinned in genuine mirth.  
  
“Then muffle it. This bed has pillows.” He responded, and Dave laughed.  
  
“With that monster in me, it won’t be easy.” Dave said, and John offered him a sheepish grin, then slowly thrusted in. John groaned at the tightness of the hole, but had self-control. Once he’d bottomed out, he knew enough to let Dave adjust. The blonde hissed as it entered him, and John, unsure how to alleviate the pain, let his lips slowly move towards Dave’s. Dave, whose eyes were squeezed shut, felt them fly open at the surprise of the contact. Neither deepened it, yet it felt nice to just stay like that for a little. Instead, one of Dave’s arms looped around John as they kissed, and the other held the comedian’s hand. John recognized the intimacy of their actions with a shock. From casual pillow talk to random kisses that he initiated, and whatever position this was (surely this level of closeness didn’t usually happen in one night stands) he was surprised at how natural the actions felt. He’d always expected gay sex to be weird, with uncomfortably cheesy porn dialogue euphemisms and wrestling-like sounds replacing moans, not this. This was surprisingly…nice, and they hadn’t even moved yet. It was as pleasurable as it was tender (Dave was really tight), and John found that he liked it, a lot. Still, Dave was clearly having some pain adjusting to the cock in his ass, and John knew he deserved to enjoy this. John lightly palmed Dave’s own dick for encouragement, and when Dave’s moan broke their kiss, John looked down at him.  
  
“Can I move?” Dave seemed to hesitate for a second, then affirmed his actions. John slowly drew back his hips, and looked at Dave’s face to see if he was hurting him. So far, he managed a face of discomfort at the interaction, but nothing else. The dark haired man hissed as his throbbing cock moved from Dave’s body, then groaned as he put it back in. He never expected it to be this hot, or so tight. John continually played with Dave’s penis, and tried another slow thrust.  
  
“Geez John, I’m not a fucking seashell. I won’t break if you go a little faster.” He said, but John could hear the doubt in his voice. He wanted to wait for Dave to feel comfortable, but the slow thrusting was torture for John. He gave Dave a hand job and considered a solution, an idea sprang in his mind. Instead of thrusting normally for the fifth or sixth time, he did an experimental roll of his hips. Dave let out a louder moan at that, and John looked at him. The blonde’s eyes were wide. “Shit. Do that again.” He said between pants, and John complied. He milked moan after moan out of Dave until it was clear the pain was gone, and John heard himself groan at the friction. After a little more of that, John moved back to plain thrusting, and Dave had no issue adjusting. He even started to reciprocate, and when John felt Dave’s butt slam back against his hips, he let out a groan.  
  
“Dave, you’re so good…” He spoke absentmindedly, and as soon as the words came from his mouth, Dave shuddered and his face turned scarlet. Dave looked up at John in surprise, and they made eye contact. “You... like that?” John asked, and Dave, who’d been panting, gave his answer in a breathy moan.  
  
“Yes!” He said, and John continued it from there. As he slammed into Dave’s butt, he tried generating some kinky words of encouragement.  
  
“Dave, you’re so good at this. I love how your ass squeezes me, you’re so tight! Everything you do is- mmh. Perfect.” He tried, and Dave’s eyes fell closed as he humped back harder. The blonde’s mouth was open and he was moaning, groaning. He seemed to be enjoying it even more. John took it as a sign to continue. “Yes, please keep fucking me! Gog Dave, you’re amazing, thank you, please, hah, keep- fuck, keep going!” John had to stop speaking for a second in an attempt to catch his breath, and continually sped up his thrusting. Dave was screaming his moans at this point, and tear lines ran down his face. He had the lewdest expression of pure pleasure on his face, and he was so loud that the whole building could probably hear them, but John didn’t care. It was… this was amazing and he was amazing. John leaned down on instinct. He captured his lips in a kiss to quiet him, and the director immediately reciprocated.  
  
At one point, John felt himself getting close, and he started jerking Dave’s cock in time to the thrusting of his own. He moved himself, and slammed into Dave’s prostate. Tears ran down Dave’s face and John didn’t even care how loud he was. John saw that Dave was on the precipice of orgasm, and spoke a few more words.  
  
“Dave- you’re amazing. Come for me, okay?” John asked, and that was all it took. The man’s body started to spasm, and his asshole clenched as he painted their chests in white. John felt the increasing tightness and let out a broken moan, and his orgasm came upon him. They stayed like that, spasming for a few minutes, until finally, John pulled out. Dave eagerly pulled him down into a kiss, and John, too tired to argue, reciprocated. After Dave let go, they forced themselves out of bed so they could wipe the white liquid off their bodies, and John blushed when he saw his semen leak out of the Director’s ass and onto his legs. They found towels and wiped themselves, and Dave stumbled back into his bed. John wanted to take the chair, but Dave looked up at him tiredly.  
  
“John, where are you going?” He asked, and his voice changed a little. “Are you leaving?” He asked, his voice uncharacteristically hurt, and John blinked.  
  
“No, I’m not.” He reassured. “I was just going to sleep in the chair.” Dave rolled his eyes at him.  
  
“Come to the bed.” John started to protest, but Dave looked at him. “My room, my rules Egbert. Sleep somewhere comfortable- you earned it.” The words brought a blush from John’s face, and the naked man gave him a look.  
  
“You’re drunk, go to sleep.” Dave grinned, and winked.  
  
“Only with you in my arms.” He responded, and John laughed, but walked closer.  
  
“That was cheesy.” Dave smirked.  
  
“You loved it. Now come on, I don’t have all night- get in.” He said again, and John sighed. He put himself in the bed, and after making sure Dave was alright, he watched the blonde start to fall asleep.“Good night, John.” He murmured, and John let out a small smile, despite himself.  
  
“Good night.” He said, and turned over. John could deal with the impact of what he’d just done tomorrow. For now, he John got some sleep.  
  
____________________________-

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, there's my first NSFW story, thanks for reading! Constructive critisism is always appreciated, and i hope you enjoyed.


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